1. He poops, you scoop!

Delightful. I am convinced my cat intentionally poops when I am in the middle of cooking or about to have a meal. I think he takes evil pleasure in seeing me drop everything and attend to his latest “surprise.”

2. He sleeps and plays, you work and pay!

Sounds fair, right? You work hard all day, then, on top of that, you have to clean all the messes and feed the lazy creature. All the cat ever does is sleep, lick himself, and play—what a life! Kids grow up and begin to help their parents; dogs—always eager to please their master and can actually do things, like fetch a newspaper; cats—nothing, nada, not even an inkling of a desire to assist.

3. You [try to] sleep, he has other plans for you.

Rattle-rattle-rattle. Bounce-bounce-meow! M-E-E-OOOWW!!! Night time = play time! Cats apparently like to party way into the wee hours of the morning. Then, naturally, they get hungry. If there is no food lying around and there are no cupboards to break into (thank God for child-proof locks), your cat will make sure you do not get to enjoy those sweet early morning dreams. In my experience, even the “I will whoop your ass if you don’t shut up!” buys only about 30 sec of silence.

4. His expert mess-making skills put your cleaning to shame.

Furryfying! What was I thinking getting a white long-haired creature? That he was cute? Buahaha!!! I buy pet hair-rollers by the box and can’t afford a luxury of leaving any nice comfy throws out on the sofa overnight; daily vacuuming is a must (although it doesn’t necessarily happen daily 😉 )… I need a maid…

5. He speaks an advanced alien language you aren’t sophisticated enough to grasp!

I have no idea what my cat is saying most of the time. I understand humans and dogs just fine, but the cat creature has me stumped. I think it’s mostly about food… yeah, I’m pretty sure… but what if he’s telling me the secrets of the universe and I am just too dumb to figure it out? All the weird alien noises he makes—what in the world? I try to repeat them back, and he responds, but there’s little rhyme or reason to any of it. Is there a dictionary for this stuff? Somebody, help me.

Let’s admit, resistance is futile, cats are simply superior beings to humans and will soon take over the planet. Hail to the mighty Cat-God!

Cat sitting on grass

Cat God

About tolstunka

Just very very talented... what can I do? :) Recently learned that my nakshatra is Purva Phalguni, in case you were wondering...
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